I came across this paramedics story, and felt compelled to share
“I used to love going to work everyday in my uniform, thinking I made a difference to those who needed it, whether it be due to pain, accident, suffering, mental health, acute or chronic or to simply to make a cup of tea and offer reassurance, to both young and old alike.
Whilst all the time thinking of my amazing family at home, how I loved them, missed them and looking forwards to seeing them again, hoping they would be proud of me when I got back, to be hugged or read stories to the children, to share stories at dinner.
While at work, I often used to hear “why are you not talking to me?” not just myself but my co-workers are suffering from their own families, “why are you late again?” “are you seeing someone else?”
The answer would always be a simple NO, because it’s YOU that I love and adore.
We do this job because most of us are born for it, because we are kind and caring people, we like to help others and love our families at the same time.
It got worse for me, constant accusations of affairs got to the stage where I couldn’t work with co-workers of the opposite sex to appease my partner. I could attend a difficult entrapment or cardiac arrest and can’t talk for a while, sometimes hours but doesn’t mean we love you less, in fact it’s often more when we see how fragile life is.
We often talk about our lives and loved ones to patients because they have no one to talk too. I would often say how much I love my family, how proud I am of them.
The allegations got worse while running from one job to another, sometimes desperately urgent, sometimes not but don’t know until we arrive on scene to find out. We deal with the issue on hand, sometimes it takes a long time to sort out as we’re not just medics anymore, we’re social workers, mediators, tea makers, and shoulder to cry on, and hand to hold…..
We clear from the job, both crew members quickly checking their phones and I find a message saying “who is she then!” before a reply can be done, control will send a job. “Unit ***, please respond to an emergency at *** location, for *** reason” and we’re off again.
Lights flashing, sirens wailing, tyres screaming to respond to an emergency, all the while hoping it’s not serious or life threatening and still think of home, thinking of our loved ones and just wanting to get home safe again.
Work is finished, everyone is tired and we go home to our families. The atmosphere is strained, love is tired but still deep in our hearts, sleep is restless, nightmares sometimes come.
Sadly for me, my story is at an end. We are apart now, no stories to tell the children, no hugs and kisses to give, no dinners and stories to share with the love of my life.
I am alone now, suffering panic attacks, deeply depressed and suicidal, my uniform hanging in the wardrobe.
I sit in my garden, staring at my phone hoping against hope that it will ping back into life, listening for the knock on the door that never comes, vacantly staring into space wondering what my future holds for me, unable to work anymore, waiting for my anti-depressants to kick in that I thought I would never need. Hoping and praying they will kick in soon.
“why do I suffer like this?”
Because I do a job that most people can’t do!
So please…… I beg you to listen and learn from this, to share my story, to hear my cries and see my tears.
If you have a loved one in the emergency services, please remember, they are not neglecting you, flirting or having an affair. They are trying to make you proud, be it through love, work or progression by serving the community, by serving YOU.
My heart and soul is now empty.
My eyes are dull, the sparkle gone.
My smile is now a frown.
My heart and soul cries and screams for her, for a family that no longer is for she is now with another.
I sit in my garden now, just me and my little dog, all alone and puffy eyed.
I am hungry, but cannot eat.
I am tired, but cannot sleep.
I am in the knowledge that when I pass on, I will pass on alone.
I bow my head,
My shoulders shake,
And again, I weep
I share my story because I don’t want others to suffer, as I am suffering.
If you have someone you love and care for in the emergency services, be proud of them, be gentle and kind, be supportive and faithful
For its only YOU that they love.”